Why Complaining is Self Sabotage

A habit that seems productive but fails to move the needle

In this video, I dive into the hidden cost of everyday complaining—and how it quietly sabotages our peace, energy, and success. We’ll explore the psychology behind this habit, why we do it, and simple tools to break free from the victim loop and step into a more empowered mindset. Grab a warm drink, get cozy, and let's dive into it ✨

Transcript

I used to complain and blame everything else except for my state of mind, and it  

wasn't long until I realized that complaining is nothing but a classic form of self-sabotage.

Research suggests that people complain on an average at least once every minute during daily conversations especially when it's about work relationships or everyday stressors.

It might feel good in the moment and a harmless way to let off steam but constant complaining actually quietly trains your brain to focus just on the problems instead of possibilities or solutions. Over time this can trap you into a victim mindset and make you feel powerless.

So in this video I wanted to break down how complaining can trap us in a cycle and  

instead how we can flip the narrative to reclaim back our peace and power.

From noisy neighbors to what others said or did, being stuck in traffic, bad design, poor  

service, ranting about a bad boss, or a job we don't enjoy, it is estimated that people complain almost  15 to 30 times a day.

Complaining is focusing actively on the negatives of a situation and relishing that narrative without even realizing it because when we complain, we enjoy it more than actually looking at solving the problem.

And some of this behavior is so subtle that it can easily pass off as a conversation between family or friends. That is, until we view it through the eyes of self-awareness—and then it tells a different story.

Chronic complaining is associated with elevated stress levels and also known to shrink the hippocampus, which is the area of the brain that is associated with emotional processing and memory. Maybe you feel that the situation is out of your control, but even when that's the case, the one thing you can do for yourself and your body is to conserve energy, so that when an opening for a solution is presented by life, you can spot it.

But typically, we are so focused on complaining that we drain ourselves out and, in some cases, quickly slip into a lower energy state of feeling worthless and enter into a negative spiral. We don't see that by festering in harmless complaints, we pull ourselves down. We get caught up in that energy state and in that frequency of being disgruntled—and such situations keep coming back into our life because we are stuck in a pattern of that frequency.

Ultimately, the thoughts that we get most caught up in represent a frequency—like a radio channel—that we subscribe to unknowingly and unconsciously keep tuning into.

Why Do We Complain?

1. Lack of Awareness

A lot of the times, we complain simply because we don't know about the harmful or limiting effects of complaining on ourselves and others.

2. Rumination

Another reason why complaining becomes a habit is when we have the tendency to ruminate—to overthink negative thoughts. When we get involved in a negative thought spiral, those thoughts can spill over as a trigger when we feel powerless and don’t see a way out.

3. Distress Tolerance

Often, complaining can be an unhealthy coping mechanism to manage stress and discomfort. It reveals our inability to accept the things that are outside our control.

4. Mental Inertia or Resistance

At times, we are unaware of the lethargy or resistance we might feel towards taking the necessary action or attempting to find a solution.

5. Lack of Accountability

Sometimes, we complain over a decision or choice that we made, and it's normally because we don't want to accept the responsibility of the necessary action when something goes wrong.

6. What We Believe

   
   

The way you see yourself and the world quietly shapes the assumptions that you make about others. When what someone says hurts us, our reactions reflect more about us than them. In any conflict, both sides contribute equally, no matter who is at fault. If we don't do the work in recognizing our responsibility to learn to navigate relationships through transparent communication, we will always find ourselves in toxic puddles.

Whenever someone says something intentionally to offend us, if we don't believe what they say is true deep down, we will never be offended by what they say. And at times, when we find fault in others, it's because we are trying to fit them into a box of our own making.

Many people might not be similar to you—and that's why they're not intentionally hurting you—but it's probably just their mannerisms, through their cultural differences, their quirks and habits, or their background or circumstances, or purely due to their ignorance.

Most people are caught up in their own bubble and don't even realize that you are sensitive to certain remarks or behaviors. In any case, it is a sign of poor boundaries when we decide to act passive-aggressive and complain. It's because we don't want to feel the discomfort of being assertive and communicating our needs calmly to the person involved.

7. Neural Mirroring

   
   

   Maybe complaining isn't just about the situation and how we feel about it, but also a cultural habit and a part of the environment that we spend more time in—maybe the workplace you're a part of, the family you belong to, the community, or the peer group that you hang out with. We find that we often complain because we are used to seeing others do it.

   
   

8. Solidarity

   
   

Complaining is also a habit that we use to connect to the people who are close to us and to find a sense of solidarity. But unless the other person can help you widen your perspective, it just becomes co-rumination and only worsens the problem.

Believe it or not, sometimes we use complaining to get over the awkward silence of talking to people and just to socialize. When we are complaining, we share it with people close to us to get assurance—or purely enjoy sharing that negativity with someone. This is a deep-rooted tendency that we might not even notice or be aware of.

How to Stop Complaining

1. Practice Gratitude

   Research from University of California, Davis indicates that regularly practicing gratitude can lower cortisol—the stress hormone, by 23%. This reduction in cortisol is associated with improved overall well-being.

   
   

2. Commit to the Intention Not to Complain

   Make a personal commitment.

   
   

3. Notice Triggers

Notice whenever you feel the urge to complain. What are the triggers like? Journal or write about it. Observe if it is because the situation is making you feel powerless in some way.

4. Identify What You Can Change

Note down the changes that you can make from your side.

5. Give Constructive Feedback

Sometimes it is important to provide critical feedback and state your needs assertively. Learn to provide actionable feedback, and discern between that and complaining.

6. Focus on Empowering Actions

If you can't change the situation, then focus on the actions you can take to make yourself feel better and reach a state of acceptance. Move—by adding exercise, dance, or going for a walk. Listen to music or listen to people you love. Feel the emotions more deeply by just observing what you are feeling inside. Write about things—write about how you're feeling. Write your thoughts down. Finally, do some breath work. Deep breaths are also very effective. All these practices help to shift your state into a higher vibration.

7. Vent Mindfully

   
   

So first, let's understand the difference between venting, complaining, and ranting:

• Venting can be a healthy form of expressing your emotions—especially when you feel like, "I just want to talk about this with someone." Venting, when done with self-awareness and with a willing listener who can help you widen your perspective, can be more productive. Ideally, it can help you reach clarity and give you the necessary support you need.

• Complaining, on the other hand, can be repetitive and habitual. Although it's not always accompanied with intense emotions, in some cases it can also be passive. But when it becomes chronic and solution-averse, that's when it can be a big problem.

• Ranting is typically an emotional outburst that is one-sided and without regard for the listener's capacity to help. It can lack self-awareness and normally involves a lot of dramatic storytelling or narratives in the head. The goal is just to dump your emotions onto another person—without regard for their capacity to listen or for how it affects them. The outcome is typically not constructive.

  
  

As much as you can, try and self-reflect on a problem before you bring it to others, so that you feel more self-reliant and you're able to solve it on your own whenever you can. But if you still feel blocked, you can certainly take it to others—with a slightly different approach.

Focus more on how you feel and then structure the conversation in a constructive way. Say things like, "My assumption is this because I feel this." For example, you can say something like, "I feel upset because I believe that person is disrespecting me." The listener would then go ahead and help you deconstruct that story or narrative—asking you more deep-diving questions like, "Why do you feel that way?" Then you can go ahead and explain the reasons, and they might help you see an alternate perspective or approach a solution.

Final Thoughts

Standing up for ourselves and sharing hurts with the people close to us—there's nothing wrong with that. But when we focus on ranting about situations we have no control over, instead of things that are in our control that we can change, we miss a big perspective.

In my life, there have been several situations or decisions that I had no control over that I worried about and complained about. But in the long run, it has always ended up being the best decision. And against my better judgment, it taught me something valuable.

I would love to hear from you!

What's one small change you'll do this week that will help you complain less and focus more on the solutions? Share it down in the comment section below!